I’m just here TRYING to fucking cope with you people.

post-trau·mat·ic stress dis·or·der

noun

Medicine
noun: post-traumatic stress disorder; noun: posttraumatic stress disorder; noun: post-traumatic stress syndrome; noun: posttraumatic stress syndrome
  1. a condition of persistent mental and emotional stress occurring as a result of injury or severe psychological shock, typically involving disturbance of sleep and constant vivid recall of the experience, with dulled responses to others and to the outside world.

The definition I have provided above does little to no justice as to what living with this actually feels like.

 

PTSD isn’t just “vivid recall of the experience.”

PTSD is like having an acid flash back and suddenly you’re back in that HELL you tried so hard to escape from. Even though you have escaped, ITS STILL FUCKING THERE. You see it visually, you hear it physically, its like a dream you can’t wake up from but you’re completely fucking awake. Back in the same situation, you can still hear the screaming, you can feel yourself wincing and cringing as you prepare for a blow that isn’t really coming because all of this is a movie playing in your fucking head. It’s difficult to turn those things off. I still haven’t mastered that yet. But I will. I have not been met with a challenge that I have not been able to overcome yet.

Flash backs get triggered by a plethora of things. Depending on what traumatic experience you’ve had to endure.

For me its small spaces. Anything that makes me feel trapped. Among a few other things.

Learning to identify your triggers and grounding yourself back into reality is of the utmost importance.

I am not sure if people actually “recover” from PTSD, honestly I’m not a fucking doctor,

But I do know that it can be managed, and you don’t necessarily need medication to do it.

If you take medications for your PTSD and you are taking them properly, and they are helping you and giving you results, then by all means, do what works for you boo-boo. If you’re anything like me that refuses to use anything other than my sheer force of will to solve things, then there are a couple of words of advice that I have to offer.

(It helps if you are the type of person who is extremely self-aware and in tune with yourself.)

You need to be able to be the type of person that says, “this is my trauma talking, I am ok today, yesterday is gone, and I am in control TODAY”

It seems so fucking stupid but it works for me.

You have to believe it though. You have to be so incredibly stubborn with yourself. This IS an internal battle you are fighting. So repeating little stupid positive words to yourself isn’t going to help you for shit if you don’t WILL yourself to believe it. It takes a bit of force. But you are strong, you survived, if not you wouldn’t be here reading this right now at this very moment.

Honesty is also pivotal. You can’t begin to manage your PTSD if you aren’t honest with yourself about what are your triggers and what situations to stay away from.

Know your truth, and  DON’T EVER FUCKING BE ASHAMED OF IT.

Remind yourself constantly on the little details that keep you in check.

The small victories.

The light traffic on the way to work.

That morning cup of coffee that came out fucking perfect.

Some fucking butterfly that landed near you and for a brief moment in time you got the privilege of seeing the beauty of nature in all of its glorious splendor.

The extra 20 bucks you found in your pocket while doing laundry.

A smile from a passing stranger.

A compliment from a coworker.

Its easier to focus on the little things as to distract yourself from the big things that are weighing you down.

At times it feels as though that weight will never be lifted and you feel as though your entire spine is failing you, crumbling under the pressure of your pain, but listen to me when I tell you this, if you work hard at it, one of two things will happen depending on the type of person that you are;

  1. You will learn to carry your trauma. You will accept that the emotional baggage is now a part of you. You will embrace it and accept that, part of that trauma that you carry has molded you into a stronger person. The weight of it wont feel as heavy as it once did. It might even give you strength that you didn’t know that you had. You are a survivor after all.
  2.  You will eventually let it go.

Either way, there’s always hope for things to get better.

 

 

 

 

 

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