I don’t think I could ever fully express the amount of hate, resentment, pain, and regret I harbor in this little soul of mine because of you.
I struggle everyday of my life trying to recover. Every time I feel I am getting closer to this emotional freedom I so desperately seek, the memory of your sin haunts me. I dream constantly of horrible things. Scenarios that you put me through replaying in my head over and over and it feels at times like there is no escape in sight.
I practice breathing. As if its something that I need to practice just so that I don’t forget.
I keep myself busy as much as I can, but you linger. I’m still reminded of you by the most trivial of things. It makes me sick to my stomach. I feel as if justice has never been served with you. No matter how much I try, no matter how far I run, no matter how deep I dig, the memory of the things you put me through haunts me.
I do not wish death upon you. Such an emotion is not in my nature. But I do wish everyday for you to come to understand the damage you did to me. I want you to feel my pain.. In all of its raw unedited horrific form..
I wish everyday that you could feel as weak, as small, as insignificant and as broken as you once made me feel. This I feel would be fair.
An eye for an eye.
In your case a tooth for a tooth.
I find solace in the fact that you are looked at as a joke. Though I laugh at the jokes made at your expense, deep down inside, it simply doesn’t satisfy me.
Justice has not been served here.
Even if I glowed up and far exceeded my own expectations and capabilities, it still wouldn’t be enough.
Would it make up for every black eye?
Would it make up for every time you broke my head open?
Would it make up for every time you spit on me?
For every time you insulted and threatened my family?
At this point in time, the answer is no.
I keep hearing people tell me “You won, you got out and you have everything you ever wanted, so you won”
But I don’t feel like I won anything.
All I did was survive you. I don’t feel like that’s something I should have ever had to do in the first place.
I want to watch you decay.
I want to watch you rot and wither.
I want all that potential that I once saw in you, I want that to be nothing more than a dream to you, and I want that dream to haunt you.
I want you to be just as tormented by your sin as I am.
I want you to cry yourself to sleep at night as I once did, begging and asking god for forgiveness, examining your own actions and I want you to ask yourself every day for the rest of your life,
“What have I done? How could I have done such horrible things to innocent people?”
I want these things to haunt you, the same way they haunt me.
I see you Mephistopheles, I see your works, I know your ways.
and this fucking shit isn’t over, bitch. Not by a fucking long shot.
Not until I am satisfied and have had my fill.