At the time I was conflicted.
An insurmountable amount of antagonism asphyxiated me.
I was delirious then.
A hollowed out shell of the human being I once was, barely any resemblance left of my once true form.
Feeling defeated, I accepted my circumstance, supposing within myself that it was some how Gods will.
I learned to live within my own head as my reality was unsafe and I desperately sought refuge.
You had convinced me I was sick. You medicated me to keep me sedated. I was easier to control that way. You went to appointment after appointment always with me in tote. You spoke on my behalf to doctors and explained to them lies that I could not bring myself to denounce. I was too far gone then, a mute figure sitting there only as your accessory. You experimented on me with medications, all behind the façade that your intent, and your duty, was to care for me. I was sick after all. As my brain struggled to process the array of chemicals being given and taken away at your discretion, I began to sink deeper and deeper into a psychotic depression. The world outside the walls of your fortress were now so unfamiliar to me, it might as well have not existed.
My experiences with you were, and will always remain, reminiscent of that of a lunatic asylum pre-1960’s reform. I was your patient, which you treated as you saw fit; horrifically. You conditioned me through a series of abuses all carried out in methodical fashion. All with the intent to impose your need for control on me, a soul that was never meant to be kept.
Though I was broken, I was not dead, the flame of the person I once was, though stifled and barely lit, still burned. I still fought you every step of the way. It was never in me to be captured, domestication was never in my bloodline. But still you tried.
It was a long time before everything unraveled. I still don’t know how or when I found the strength to rebuild. I suppose it was dormant all along. Waiting diligently for an opportunity to arise.
You, who were once my oppressor, my greatest adversary, the unbeatable, my captor, my warden, the controller of my world, you who I once saw as so big, so intimidating, has now withered away. Your strength long since faded, your illusion of superiority over me is now just that, nothing more than a nightmarish illusion. For every breath of air you tried to take away from me, it would seem, from your physical appearance, that God has taken a year off your life. You deteriorate more with each passing day. You’ve aged horribly, if you could only see how badly it shows. It would seem the same disease that once afflicted me now has dominion over you. You appear to be nothing more than a hollow shell of the man you used to be. Thin and suffering from malnutrition is an appropriate statement to describe your current state.
I rebuked your abuse on every occasion, whispering to myself:
“blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.”
I prayed on my knees in the worst of times of my life, and though I felt as though God had forgotten me and forsaken me, he avenged me.
Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”
and now look at you.
Now YOU are the bird that has been caged, trapped in a prison of your own design.
As for me?